LL cont’

[markofkaine]

[Bad ideas. That’s what Rafael was famous for. Sometimes those bad ideas would pan out into groundbreaking technologies. Other times it would blow up spectacularly in his face - and by extension, all faces adjacent. Not that it ever stopped him from coming up with more.

This one, though. A bridge too far.

Aracha - if that really could be called his name anymore - sat, hunched over, cycling a trinket between his fingers as though in a trance. It felt like the slow, tactile motion was the only thing still keeping him grounded to reality (again, questionable). His mind was… far, far away, in a place that might not even exist anymore, lost. But more than that, alone, in a vast, empty field of deaf, silent rage. And that cold silence seeped into every crack in his brain, filling the folds of his thoughts, the hollow space in his bones, the pockets in his lungs.

He wasn’t real. He wasn’t real. None of this was real. He knew that now.

At some point, his fiance was going to walk through the door and find him sitting at the foot of their his bed. And one way or another, this lie would be shattered.]

Comments

[markofkaine]

Whatever.

[He's too miserable to even look at Miguel as he leaves. But knowing that he's driving the only love he's known away... inside, Kaine can't help but wail, trapped in his thoughts as a pure cry of loneliness and despair.

Don't! Come back! Stay with me! I need you!]

[otherspiderman]

[ On pure instinct, spurred on by the sudden voice in his thoughts, he's knocking on the door back to their room.

Knocking is a kind word to use; he's pounding on it with a sort of desperation that matches the upset in his mind.

What is he doing? Holy shock why did he come back? Why didn't he just leave? He's surely just imagining that he's being called back—if he wants ?Aracha? to answer the door or not...

...he's not sure.

BANG BANG BANG again. ]

[markofkaine]

[The thoughts still, if only in surprise. Why is he coming back. Why so aggressively?

Kaine is on the defensive again, at least partially because the noise is hell on his head right now]

Wh-what do you want!!

[otherspiderman]

[ Inhales. Swallows. Inhales again. Christ, he feels like an idiot. He is an idiot. But in his defence... who else would know what to do in this situation?

Are you supposed to know what to do when you're rewired to have a second life and you have to reconcile that with your first life? ]

I'll bring you a painkiller if you talk to me.

[markofkaine]

That's blackmail.

[It's not a no....... he's desperate]

[otherspiderman]

Yeah, it is. I know you're in pain. I have a lot of memories of you getting drunk and regretting it.

[markofkaine]

[YOU GOT HIM THERE. With a groan, he falls face first into his pillow and privately bemoans every god that might exist.]

You're a @#$&. Gimme the goddamn painkillers.

[otherspiderman]

[ But he's a WINNING @#$&.

After a minute, he's back with a bottle of pills and a water bottle. He doesn't knock (furi: bang) on the door this time, he just lets himself back in.

And though he wants to sit on the bed... he swings an armchair closer and sits in that, holding out the goods. ]

Here.

[ He's putting on the gentlest tone he has, which isn't very gentle, but he's doing his best here. ]

[markofkaine]

[What sucks is Kaine recognizing it as his gentle voice. A fact he tries very hard to ignore as he reaches out to snatch the water and pills like a guarded stray animal. He knocks back two pills and chugs half the water bottle while he's at it, pointedly not saying anything the whole time.

It's only with a considerable amount of inner turmoil that he even manages to force out a single terse word. He's certainly unhappy about it. No eye contact continues.]

...thanks.

[otherspiderman]

Yeah. No problem.

[ A not-so-insignificant part of him feels relief; finally, he's doing something to help his... well, he's not his anymore.

Leaning back in the chair, Miguel gazes back at the ceiling he was forcibly admiring before. He's spent a lot of hours in this room, staring at this same ceiling. Only before, he was always with Aracha. ]

Will you tell me your name?

[markofkaine]

[A silence stretches between those words and the next ones that limp, sullen and angry, from Kaine's mouth. The shame of being who he is, morphing into the urge to lash out at the closest person for it. To leave a wound - a reminder of the hurt that awaited getting close to him again.]

Why bother? We're not anything t'each other anymore.

[otherspiderman]

[ It's definitely successful at doing just that; it's not even a sting, it's a full on emotional punch to the gut.

This is stupid. He should just forget about everything. Why bother, for real? Why can't he just exist on spite and burn the forced connection between them? Lord knows he wants to—or maybe, he wants to want to.

Miguel sighs. ]

Guess I'm not as good at forgetting as you are.

[markofkaine]

[He snorts, with no shortage of resentment in it]

I already have fake memories of being Peter. What's one more lifetime?

[One more lifetime of longing. Of wishing he was in someone else's shoes, where he could be loved and important. Once you've inoculated yourself against these poisonous dreams - well, what's one more? Just another bitter pill. Even if it's larger, jagged, even if it sticks in your throat and digs into the tender lining... it'll go down all the same, eventually.

It does hurt. He'd be lying to say it doesn't.]

[otherspiderman]

[ It hurts, hearing it said so flippantly. He's been struggling with it. Maybe this guy just got drunk to celebrate. Wouldn't that be fun. Congratulations! You're the world's leading expert on dumping fake lives in the trash!

(Deep down, he knows otherwise.) ]

So you're fine with leaving things as they are, huh? Or, better yet—like it never happened.

[markofkaine]

[Why not. Wouldn't it be fitting? Kaine's life as Peter was no more real than his identity as Aracha.

Of course, he never lived as Peter. He never shared tender moments with another man as the waves rocked them on this ship of absurdities. The loving promises and kisses in the dark were only for Aracha - Aracha, not Peter and not Kaine.

How strange it was, to feel envy for a man who never existed. There was no one to even hate for it.

Kaine didn't have the words for an answer.

No, he thinks. No, no, no no no.]

[otherspiderman]

[ He waits, expecting a "yeah, I've been telling you that, get out and never speak to me again, do your revenge on your own, jackass" and... his eyebrows shoot up.

It... it didn't look like "Aracha" said anything, but he clearly heard it. Heard it so clearly in his soul that he knows he said no, repeatedly. Maybe he spaced out, in his anticipation of rejection.

...either way: ]

...no?

[markofkaine]

[Kaine twitches, his head instinctively jerking towards Miguel - did he really still know him that well? A pang shoots across his heart suddenly, leaving an air of sadness in his face now that he's finally facing him properly.

But... Miguel looks strangely confused himself. That didn't make sense. If he didn't feel sure, then-- Kaine definitely had been trying very hard not to give him any positive impressions.

Back to feeling guarded, Kaine eyes him warily.]

I didn't say that...

[otherspiderman]

[ Miguel's mouth opens, then he falls silent again to chew on that. He's... so sure, that he heard him, the same way he heard him call him back—but maybe... he's hearing things.

Hearing what he wants to hear. ]

Right. Of course you didn't. You've been telling me to bug off the whole time.

[markofkaine]

Yeah. I have.

[...

So why did it feel like Miguel knew what he was thinking? What he wanted, in the depths of his heart? It couldn't be that... was there still some kind of effect at play here? Some kind of twisted wish fulfillment to create the perfect lover (Kaine had very little idea what made for a more perfect lover than Raphael) in other to suck him back into the role made for him.

Looking perhaps a little unhinged, he crawls towards Miguel with a deeply suspicious glower in his eyes.]

So what's your angle, then.

[otherspiderman]

[ Two things happen. Miguel leans forward, as if to meet "Aracha" in the middle, with a look bordering on incredulous, and also—his heart thumps. That crawling move... might have set off a complex chain of emotions resulting in "danger" and "that's pretty hot actually".

Is he in danger? God, he hopes so. ]

I wanted to find an angle. Together.

[markofkaine]

[Miguel is not beating the 'wish fulfillment man' allegations like this.]

You sound still hung up on me.

[Accusatory. He has no reason to be. UNLESS IT'S MAGIC!]

[otherspiderman]

[ NOW I'M OFFENDED. ]

Am I not supposed to be?! Are you over me already?!

[ how dare you move on so easily!! ]

[markofkaine]

[Feathers ruffled, he just spits out the first mean thing that comes to mind on impulse]

Maybe I am!

[otherspiderman]

[ His hands grip the arms of his chair, his fingers dragging back and leaving knifelike cuts in the upholstery. ]

Screw you too, man.

[ But in his mind, he's very sharply thinking: I needed you too. ]

[markofkaine]

[The thought of being needed sends a knife into his heart. Kaine recoils back, instinctively shielding his face (horrible. hideous.) There's a slightly hysterical edge to his voice as he snaps back, no longer differentiating between speech and thought,]

I didn't ask you t'need me!